(hope.)

tonight I pray

twin prayers,

two sides, one coin:

with gratitude, for a feeling I’d forgotten

and a desperate need

for it not to prove false.

(washed away.)

I will never understand why people run from rain.

No mistaking, there is much about sunshine worth loving:

The way it warms you, skin to soul,

the way heat hits you hard and life becomes light

and it feels easy,

like it might last... forever.

But the feeling

of a summer sky that cracks opens and pours out and pounds down,

The feeling when water hits skin so hot it seems like it should steam,

and that heady haze of heat lifts

and suddenly you can see clearly,

and you can feel everything at once:

each drop a reminder that you are alive.

If I’m lucky, I can feel the thunder in my chest

An Amazing Grace, the sweetest sound,

that somehow, helps me see, and I think,

“this, is what it feels like to be born again”

baptized by a moment, 
when moments before, I was unaware that my soul still needed saved.

I have been lucky that I can hear God in storms,

and my heart finds gratitude for the lightning

that was often my only chance to see my way,

but I wonder if that has taught me to love

differently than I should,

that maybe I, too, would run

if I could somehow see God in the sun

the way I feel Him                                                                            

in the rain.

(lovepoem.)

You said you felt like you

should write a love poem,

for me,

to return the favor

and I laughed

because, 

to me,

it feels like every word I’ve ever written about love

came first

from you.

(there should be a Big Science Award for your ability to turn happiness, tangible.)

there is so much

about the way you feel

that I love

but:

my favorite will always be

the way I can feel your lips turn up

on mine

and I can feel you smile

as you kiss me.

(tangled.)

You remind me

of the way necklaces used to get tangled

in my grandmother’s jewelry box,

and how, even still, when I am sad

I go through them piece by piece:

sifting through her memories,

untangling the mess,

remembering the stories about each, and what they meant to her.

I do not have many necklaces, but I have a lot of words, and they are always tangled around you.

                                           

(short/sweet)

I always feel like I need an excess of words

to express my feelings

when really,

all I need to say

is that your smile

makes me feel more

than my own.

(f-bomb.)

I resent the implication that the reason I’m a Feminist

is because

once upon a time

a man lashed out at me in anger,

As if being beaten into a corner

and permanently pushed against a wall

is the only way

a little girl’s spine

could grow up

straight and tall.

And those boys that broke my heart?

They did not contribute

to my conclusion

that I am worth

something,

that I deserve

something

more

than a second-hand last name                   

and a hitch

to a wagon

that would never really be mine.

You might want to get comfortable;

Because I

am not done.

And I yes, I can see you squirm

And yes, I know it's because

Feminist

is a dirty word

And it makes you uncomfortable

And I am so terribly

not

sorry.

And now

it is time to get back to the subject

of the things that I resent:

I resent that you assume that I am kind

because I’m a girl,

or nurturing because of Nature,

or forgiving because I am of the “weaker sex.”

I resent

that you think I am these lovely things

because I am a “good woman”

instead of being because

I am a decent 

human being.

And!

For the record:

I am not strong “for a girl”

I am strong.

And I am not smart “for a girl”

I am smart.

And I realized that I would have to be both

if I wanted to survive.

And when I dropped that other F-word in your direction

(the one that ladies are not supposed to use)

it was not because a Feminist heart

can’t handle Feelings

but because

my Feminist heart

knows I deserve better.

But perhaps

even more than I resent you and your assumptions

about me

and what being a Feminist might mean

I am surprised by a world that assumes

that I couldn’t

or wouldn’t

love a man

who could find it in his heart

to love

without needing me

...to give up pieces of myself

     (to make room for his ego)

...to forsake my dreams

     (to help chase his)

...or change my name

     (so I never forget

     this is all on his terms).