(.)

I thought I heard your voice today, your laugh

and I smiled…

I smiled, but almost immediately stopped.

Because I know that I don’t know your laugh

because you never laughed in the first place

(at all)

and that is all my fault.

And I considered that your voice, your laugh

are only a small list of the things I’ll never know about you

even though I’ve always felt like I know you

since the day I realized you were

or, rather, weren’t.

And my heart broke as if this was the first time in all these years that I noticed your absence

when, really, I haven’t felt whole since I found out…I’m not.

So please understand that when I say “I miss you,” I mean it

And I’m trying to say that I’m sorry.

Instead, I send that apology to the world that never got to know you, either

and I’ll send it to you, someday, when I first collect the courage to ask for your forgiveness

( I don’t even know your name,

and I would have been the one to name you)